Riverdale - Chapter 14 - A Kiss Before Dying

Season 2 is here! Daddy's home, Cheryl's slightly singed, and the Pussycats are giving us life (1 of 9, to be exact). Welcome back to nostalgic murder town!

#74: Tick Tock, Bitches (S7 E1)

In the parlance of PLL - We're Back, Bitches. 

#73: Oh, What Hard Luck Stories They All Hand Me (S5 E18)

Mike Montgomery leaves a bag of candy on a pier for a ghost. The ghost of a ghost shows up to pick up a book about ghosts. It has a ghost tape in it. Emily whispers into a ghost about empanadas and Talia eats that shit up.

#72: Bin of Sin (S5 E17)

Hanna is all agitated because maybe the cops will think she dissolved her bestie's dead body in a barrel. Ashley Marin contemplates life's hard choices with her best friend, pinot grigio. Emily saves the day. Again.

#71: Over A Barrel (S5 E16)

Caleb heads back to his ancestral home in the air ducts. Emily wears a shirt, but no pants. Spencer's new house elf needs an egg. Egg. EGG!!

#70: Fresh Meat (S5 E15)

So many messes this week - Emily throws food against a wall, Hanna gets guts on her shoes, Caleb sweats through a freshly laundered tee. And of course, Mama Marin gets her sheets dirty with Jason Dilaurentis. 

#69: Through A Glass, Darkly (S5 E14)

Mona is DEAD (ish?). Paige is LEAVING (for now?). Mike is CRYING (because he almost stapled his sister to coffee house wall?). Thank god we have each other to process it with.

#68: How the A Stole Christmas (S5 E13)

Much like Ali, we have risen from the grave to once again make your lives A-fucking-mazing. Also, oh my god the Liars had a Christmas orgy.

#67: Scream for Me (S5 E8)

Lips McGee says "aahhh" and shows Emily the Olympic sized swimming pool inside her trouty mouth. The systematic victimization of teenage girls continues to be Rosewood's main cultural export and someone finally takes umbrage. A horse tries to get Spencer's number.

#66: The Silence of E. Lamb (S5 E7)

We love y...  Uh. Um. We'd love to recap this episode for you. <insert GOD DAMMIT EMILY! FACE>

#65: Escape from New York (S5 E1)

Ali is back and we are warming up to the idea. The girls are trying to escape from New York, and Ryan is like, bitches I did that shit months ago.

#63: A is for Answers (S4 E24)

A is allegedly for answers. But maybe it's more like for Ah, what the hell Ali how many people did you see in one night? and AHmyGOD Melissa how fucking creepy can you be? And Ahhhmily, every time you almost die your hair looks A-mazing.

#62: She's Come Undone (S4 E21)

Take a trip in the not-so-way back machine to when Aria had a breakdown and trashed some vintage-y looking shit at Ezra's house. Also, Rose has some heartfelt relationship advice for Paige and Emily.

#61: Unbridled (S4 E 23)

All you need to know is that everyone is in wedding dresses and Ashley Marin and Jessica DiLautentis are exploring dom/sub roleplay. Oh, and Spencer gets fingerboned.

(Ryan left you a surprise at the end!)

#60: Cover for Me (S4 E22)

Aria sucks face with some Elvish dude who named his guitar (or did it name itself?). Spencer is convinced that she killed Ali… even though Ali is alive, REMEMBER SPENCE? And a gold star goes to Mama DiLaurentis. She got breaking & entering skills we didn’t even KNOW about!  

#59 Free Fall (S4 E20)

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE ANYMORE!! Aria learns the truth about Ezra the Scumbag. Rose and Ryan discuss the shit out of it, simple as that.

#58: Shadow Play (S4 E19)

Spencer can keep popping those pills if it gives us this kind of fun ride every week. Nothing will get accomplished but Ali standing in front of a portrait of herself is entertaining enough to watch for another two seasons at least.

#57: Hot for Teacher (S4 E18)

Hanna is our new favorite sleuth, Spencer is our new favorite junky, Emily is our new favorite lasagna boxer and Aria is our new favorite Katniss Everdeen. And we answer your questions!

#56: Bite Your Tongue (S4 E17)

It’ss time for some exploratory dental work! Mona makes her triumphant return this week… and lands on Mike Montgomery’s lips. I know! We thought he was gay, too! Spencer decided drugs are the answers, while Hanna turns to mystery novels. Emily finalls reaches a breaking point, so ACT NORMAL, BITCH! We break it down so that you don’t have to.

#55: Close Encounters (S4 E16)

Emily tries on a lot of jackets and it makes us SO SAD.